I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
