Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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