everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
