guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
