I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
