All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
