Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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