maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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