Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I need water and some morals
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
