Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
