Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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