I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
