hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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