There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
