So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
