He uses pillows to masturbate.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Pants are for mortals
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
