If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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