he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
