you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
