bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
