She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
