so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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