My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
