The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All the doctor said was why
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
