There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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