No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
