good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
