don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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