Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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