haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
