i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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