You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
