I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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