Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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