I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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