Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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