Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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