The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
