Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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