you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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