just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
