In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
