I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
