my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
