You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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