Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
