My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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