I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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