Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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