If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
