just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
