you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
