i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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