I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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