walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My penis needs a shock collar
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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