Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
