I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
