I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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