You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
