Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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